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As secularism fades, I lose my identity

Warning: Rant post

Twitter is a social media platform unlike the other popular ones such as Facebook or Instagram, because it’s not about showing how cool your life is, it’s the platform for outrage and micro-debates. Today’s topic of the day was this ad by a famous jewellery selling chain. Take a look before you read further.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lli_q473J3U
Make sure you see only this ad – don’t read the comments, don’t look at the numbers. Just watch the video.

When I saw this ad, I thought of it as rather sweet. Apparently, I was in the minority (pun intended!).

Growing up in India is an experience unlike any other from a cultural perspective, especially for a city kid like me. Different languages and religions influence everyday life – so you never belong to just the culture you were born in. When there is such a mix of cultures, I also understand the need for people to feel like they may need to go the extra mile to protect their identity, to ensure that their culture isn’t lost among the many influences around them.

As a girl especially, it always seemed to be made clear to me that I would very much be marrying into my own kind of culture, yet subtle hints always reminded me that I am a daughter, paraya dhan (foreign property) who will one day leave her parents to serve in the household of the in-laws (if not dance to their rhythms). Leaving everything you know and embracing another culture doesn’t come easily to women either. Every girl has desperately prayed at some point in her life, that she gets to be one of the rare cases you hear of, where she can trust her in-laws as much as her own family.

Alas, this is easier said than done. A lot of women are put through hell by their in-laws. It is then but natural that they repeat this behaviour of abuse towards the next generation. Most women don’t have time for reflection under the burden of their duties to stop and think otherwise. And if you add cultural and religious differences to those, it’s a recipe for disaster. No wonder parents worry so much about their daughters and are so critical about which household they marry into.

Let’s put this in context of the post. Separating the population of a country based on religion, in a country where spirituality is like identity for so many people, was a trick foreigners have used for years to rule over India at different points in history. I was taught this over many years, in various forms, in various historical phases – the divide and conquer policy. Thus, the dream of the founders of our nation to build a secular state, where the government would not take a religious stand. In the India of today, the government may not be actively doing so, but they do let injustices happen. And it breaks my heart.

A girl goes into her husband’s house with a lot of apprehension. In her most vulnerable phase, where she will probably be a mother for the first time, we see a kind and loving mother-in-law arrange for familiar rituals for her young daughter-in-law, which will help with the health of both mother and child. These rituals aren’t familiar to her, yet the family embraces it just like they would wish for their own daughter. How thoughtful and touching!

But for me, it’s been taken too far this time. Large, non-governmental agencies are threatening ads featuring women, made for women? Who are the old men who don’t have anything better to do in life, to decide what is threatening their religion??! Every religion is so great in itself, that no one can “threaten” it. If you show that your religion is peaceful, loving and welcoming, everyone will flock to you. That’s what history has proven for the guests in India who’ve abused generosity and kindness.

Please, we need to see kindness and care in any form that we get it – in our isolation we are desperate to hear kind words and soothe our anxieties somewhat. And these people want to take that away from us too? I can’t speak for the generations before us, but if a woman willingly converts to another religion for her husband, its the kindness of the people of that religion towards her, which her own community failed to show. For a woman, that could be more meaningful than religious pride.

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We will miss you, SPB Sir!

The passing away of SPB Sir triggered something strong in me.
On the 25th morning, I woke up, ready to start my day. As it often happens, I felt like humming a raag as I got ready for the day and on that day it was Kapi, one of my favourites. After humming for a while, I remembered the humming from the title track of Roja, which is also based on the same raag. My mind then drifted to SPB Sir and I immediately checked up on how he was doing. No new updates.

Not an hour later, when I took a break from work, I opened my social media to see the devastating news. I cried on the spot for the man he had been and the love he had showered on all artists, new and old. I am not going to talk in detail about his accomplishments like 6 National Awards, over 40,000 recorded songs or his partnership with many music composers. Check out Wikipedia for that.

But what I want to talk about is the respect and love I developed for him as a fan through the years. He was a well established singer even before I was born. So I grew up listening to his songs in popular Hindi and Kannada movies. I first registered the magic of his singing when I was ahead enough in my own training to recognise the subtleties and I remember getting very excited one day listening to “Yeh Haseen Wadiyaan” on the radio and wondering, who are these singers?!

Since then I heard a lot of more of the work he has done. But the most impact he had on me was when he was the host for the Kannada singing reality show “Yede Tumbi Haduvenu.” By then, we had been spoilt with Indian Idol and the likes, making me used to drama more than music on the shows. I was so taken aback when I saw the way he gave his opinion on a performance.

He was always kind and respectful towards the participants, irrespective of their age, gender or experience. He always made it a point to highlight every good aspect of the performance, before he very politely gave tips on where there was scope for improvement. He knew that every singer is an artist in themselves and rather than putting them down, he wanted to see every artist succeed. Such is the love of an artist for his art.

One instance which will also be very close to my heart is when on the same show, he was asked about his fluency in Kannada (he could speak even better than me). He replied saying he was grateful for the love the Kannada community showed him and we might as well say that Kannada was also his mother tongue.

As I read through the various posts and how many artists also shared their experiences with him, I realised that it’s not just me who felt this sense of pride about him. The 4 big states of south India and a large part of the Hindi speaking community too is remembering him fondly. He is loved not by communities, but by the entire nation.

He was well know for his romantic songs and the lovely expressions he brought with him. But I leave you with a unique song written by Anand Bakshi & composed by Lakshmikant-Pyarelal from the movie Ek Dooje Ke liye, with the lyrics entirely made up of movie names! I cannot, simply cannot, imagine anyone else singing this song so well. The naughty yet innocent expression of love, the energy & acting of this voice and the adorable music video will leave you feeling happy on the inside. Just like SPB Sir’s gentle temperament.

Also, check him out grooving to this quirky song with Pradbhudeva!

A true mentor, an outstanding artist and above all, a good human being, thank you SPB Sir, for your kind service to humanity. Your voice has gotten us through tough times and all of us will cherish your music for many years to come.

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Romantic Comedies are Anti-Feminist

If you’re a woman, you’ve probably spent your childhood knowing that one day you will get married to the man who will bring “happiness” to you. So you spend your formative years having learnt everything that one day the ideal bahu could bring to the household. You learn singing, dancing, painting, sewing, knitting, cooking, your education and even writing in all the languages you can speak in (you know, in case you have to write a letter to your mother in law someday) are in preparation of impressing the boys who will send you marriage proposals someday. And yet, you will spend all your life wondering if you’ll ever be good enough for him and them.

I was raised with a younger sister, so we didn’t really have the concept of preparing to just be the good wife. In fact, my mother is an excellent icon of how some women seem to manage it all. I was encouraged to build a career, study a degree “traditionally” male dominated and succeed with flying colors in a male dominated profession. Yet, as I near the big three-O, the only concern I have “left” for my friends and family, is that I am still single (time is running out sweetheart, you’ll regret wasting your years).

Image taken from the Quint, represents how our generation views “judgmental aunties”

As I grew up, I always imagined what my husband would be like and how he would be a certain way or say certain things. Case in point quoting snippets from a famous Bollywood song:

“Mujhse kare woh aake, pyaari pyaari baatein.
Chehre ko chaand kehde, zulfon ko raatein.

Banaras agar jaaye, saari leke hi aaye.
Pooche Dilli se hai, kya mangvaana.

Thoda sa pagla, thoda sayana.”
– Thoda sa Pagla, Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya (1996)

Since he had to be all that, I certainly did not fall for every other guy I met. No sir/ma’am. I have very high standards. My criteria are clear – intelligence and a way with words play the biggest role for me. Followed of course by “a person of good character” from “the right family” (so we can ensure that our gene pool is preserved for another generation). You can tell which of those thoughts are my own. And one day, it happened. 

I met a boy. He seemed to fit it all. Just the thought of him gave me sleepless nights. But being young and naive, it was a deep attraction that lasted until a few days after we met, but it wasn’t meant to be. I was convinced though that dream men exist, because of the numerous romantic comedies I was being fed and got addicted to. There was my proof! Ideal men exist. And I am as nice and sincere as the pretty girl next door female lead. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me, right (did you read that post about how she met her husband? That’s soooo romantic!)???. Ah, the fantasy world of cinema, literature and social media.

Well, I`m still waiting. And I still will be.

Since then, I met some more boys, whom I fell for for one or the other reason. With some, it was meant to be while it lasted. With others, it wasn’t meant to be at all (you are certainly overqualified for the Indian arranged marriage market). My experiences and the boys who did stay in my life changed my fundamental perception of both myself and my view of real relationships.

These romantic comedies are dangerous, because they prey on this very mentality that finding a man and being with him is the ultimate goal of our life. An average rom-com shows the woman as partly naive and vulnerable, the damsel in distress, who seems to actually have a lot going for her (what’s the point of having a great career, personality, hobbies, etc. if you are going to spend the rest of your life alone?). But as soon as a man enters the picture, that’s all she seems to eat, breathe and think about. And why not? Because that’s exactly what women are taught. Not always directly by the parents, but through larger exposure to society and culture. I am guilty of being that woman myself.

But here’s what I wish I had been taught instead:

– Relationships can be beautiful, but they’re hard. More often than not, it’s not gonna be fluffy clouds and unicorns. 

– Finding a partner is just one aspect of your life. Don’t forget yourself, your career and other loved ones if you catch the love bug.

– Finding a man is easier than actually sustaining that relationship for the rest of your life. So spend the time leading up to it loving yourself, getting to know who you are so you can rely on yourself when things get difficult.

– Men are fundamentally different from women, which is both good and bad. As perfect as the man in the rom-com seemed to be, that much of emotional quotient is rare in men, a biological fact, blissfully ignored by writers. 

 – You will not be an exception for the perfect man. You will be the exception for the possibly right men.

– You will always be defined as more than just the girlfriend or the wife, if you yourself acknowledge that you’re more than just a girlfriend or the wife.

– Grass is greener on the other side. Just because you envy that girl who looks single and carefree, doesn’t mean she is fine by herself. Just as happy selfies on social media aren’t a guarantee that someone’s relationship is actually healthy.

Feminism is about empowering women, without having to bring the men down. What we need aren’t just stories about women finding a man (what happens after they kiss and the movie ends?). We need stories that teach us how to nurture that relationship (you have to first find someone for that). Stories that give us a reality check about how women who seem to have it all miss out on being themselves (being yourself? that’s a ridiculous notion). Stories about women being both vulnerable and successful (we women don’t have time for watching movies). 

Such stories are not easy to digest right now, absolutely not. Not even for me! But we need to normalize our own stories. And get the other side to hear our side of the tale. So they can see us beyond being damsels in distress. So they will really understand, when it’s okay to hold the door open for us and when not.

(All the quotes written like this are things that I’ve been told in real life.)

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Weekly Reflections | 19.01 – 26.01 | (Ace of Arrows)

This week I used my time to review the Cat’s Eye Tarot (check it out on my website under “Decks”). Hence, this week is just going to be a good old blog style post!

I pulled one card from my Wildwood Tarot and I was quite excited, because I have never pulled this card before. The card that I drew is the Ace of Arrows (Swords).

The image represents this beautiful islandand an arrow shooting straight out of it. This little island is actually the eye of Uffington White Horse, a prehistoric hill figure depicting the shape of a horse on a hill through the water ways. The part of the visible in the image is the head, thus also the center for new ideas.

The suite of Arrows corresponds traditionally to Swords, which represent ideas and communication. In their essence the Arrows also follow the Swords, but differ in many ways too. While the Ace of Swords is seen as a positive sign for communication and new ideas, the Ace of Arrows seems to talk about the Breath of Life. For me, this represents multiple aspects of our mental states.

This time, this card calls out to me to focus on our mental health. In modern times, mental health seems to be a growing issue, acknowledged more and more as the generations pass by. However, I think that there are three main reasons, because of which we are able to give importance to mental health.

  1. For many generations before us, physical health and survival was such a big issue, that not many people had the time or the energy to focus on their mental health. Today, a lot of us have decent jobs, homes and regular income, thus freeing up the “worry” space of the head to focus on mental health issues.
  2. We live in the age of information and technology. Unlike for many people of the previous generation, many of us now have jobs which are sometimes physically, but definitely mentally very demanding. We have to be at our best at all times, concentrate on new ideas, absorb new information and wanting to climb the ladder quickly leaves us with way less energy than we think.
  3. Information consumption is the way we communicate now. We have an app for everything, consuming so much information that we lose ourselves in it. It’s very difficult to catch a break when you are online. Even the simple act of checking the phone every few minutes to see if you’ve missed something are all signs of mild anxieties, if not more severe ones.

Wow, I am feeling so passionately about this subject. Maybe I will make a video on it soon. 🙂

Until then, take the time to breathe for your mind. Meditate. Treat your mind to calmness and positive exercise. I hope you will appreciate what your mind does for you more.

Until next week, folks!