If you’re a woman, you’ve probably spent your childhood knowing that one day you will get married to the man who will bring “happiness” to you. So you spend your formative years having learnt everything that one day the ideal bahu could bring to the household. You learn singing, dancing, painting, sewing, knitting, cooking, your education and even writing in all the languages you can speak in (you know, in case you have to write a letter to your mother in law someday) are in preparation of impressing the boys who will send you marriage proposals someday. And yet, you will spend all your life wondering if you’ll ever be good enough for him and them.
I was raised with a younger sister, so we didn’t really have the concept of preparing to just be the good wife. In fact, my mother is an excellent icon of how some women seem to manage it all. I was encouraged to build a career, study a degree “traditionally” male dominated and succeed with flying colors in a male dominated profession. Yet, as I near the big three-O, the only concern I have “left” for my friends and family, is that I am still single (time is running out sweetheart, you’ll regret wasting your years).
As I grew up, I always imagined what my husband would be like and how he would be a certain way or say certain things. Case in point quoting snippets from a famous Bollywood song:
“Mujhse kare woh aake, pyaari pyaari baatein.
Chehre ko chaand kehde, zulfon ko raatein.
Banaras agar jaaye, saari leke hi aaye.
Pooche Dilli se hai, kya mangvaana.
Thoda sa pagla, thoda sayana.”
– Thoda sa Pagla, Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya (1996)
Since he had to be all that, I certainly did not fall for every other guy I met. No sir/ma’am. I have very high standards. My criteria are clear – intelligence and a way with words play the biggest role for me. Followed of course by “a person of good character” from “the right family” (so we can ensure that our gene pool is preserved for another generation). You can tell which of those thoughts are my own. And one day, it happened.
I met a boy. He seemed to fit it all. Just the thought of him gave me sleepless nights. But being young and naive, it was a deep attraction that lasted until a few days after we met, but it wasn’t meant to be. I was convinced though that dream men exist, because of the numerous romantic comedies I was being fed and got addicted to. There was my proof! Ideal men exist. And I am as nice and sincere as the pretty girl next door female lead. If it could happen to her, it could happen to me, right (did you read that post about how she met her husband? That’s soooo romantic!)???. Ah, the fantasy world of cinema, literature and social media.
Well, I`m still waiting. And I still will be.
Since then, I met some more boys, whom I fell for for one or the other reason. With some, it was meant to be while it lasted. With others, it wasn’t meant to be at all (you are certainly overqualified for the Indian arranged marriage market). My experiences and the boys who did stay in my life changed my fundamental perception of both myself and my view of real relationships.
These romantic comedies are dangerous, because they prey on this very mentality that finding a man and being with him is the ultimate goal of our life. An average rom-com shows the woman as partly naive and vulnerable, the damsel in distress, who seems to actually have a lot going for her (what’s the point of having a great career, personality, hobbies, etc. if you are going to spend the rest of your life alone?). But as soon as a man enters the picture, that’s all she seems to eat, breathe and think about. And why not? Because that’s exactly what women are taught. Not always directly by the parents, but through larger exposure to society and culture. I am guilty of being that woman myself.
But here’s what I wish I had been taught instead:
– Relationships can be beautiful, but they’re hard. More often than not, it’s not gonna be fluffy clouds and unicorns.
– Finding a partner is just one aspect of your life. Don’t forget yourself, your career and other loved ones if you catch the love bug.
– Finding a man is easier than actually sustaining that relationship for the rest of your life. So spend the time leading up to it loving yourself, getting to know who you are so you can rely on yourself when things get difficult.
– Men are fundamentally different from women, which is both good and bad. As perfect as the man in the rom-com seemed to be, that much of emotional quotient is rare in men, a biological fact, blissfully ignored by writers.
– You will not be an exception for the perfect man. You will be the exception for the possibly right men.
– You will always be defined as more than just the girlfriend or the wife, if you yourself acknowledge that you’re more than just a girlfriend or the wife.
– Grass is greener on the other side. Just because you envy that girl who looks single and carefree, doesn’t mean she is fine by herself. Just as happy selfies on social media aren’t a guarantee that someone’s relationship is actually healthy.
Feminism is about empowering women, without having to bring the men down. What we need aren’t just stories about women finding a man (what happens after they kiss and the movie ends?). We need stories that teach us how to nurture that relationship (you have to first find someone for that). Stories that give us a reality check about how women who seem to have it all miss out on being themselves (being yourself? that’s a ridiculous notion). Stories about women being both vulnerable and successful (we women don’t have time for watching movies).
Such stories are not easy to digest right now, absolutely not. Not even for me! But we need to normalize our own stories. And get the other side to hear our side of the tale. So they can see us beyond being damsels in distress. So they will really understand, when it’s okay to hold the door open for us and when not.
(All the quotes written like this are things that I’ve been told in real life.)